dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
