I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
