My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
