I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
