I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Randomize
