I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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