my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
