I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
