Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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