the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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