i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
