i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
