: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
