cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
