i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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