i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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