I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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