Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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