I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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