I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I want a musical about memes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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