She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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