i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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