Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
