nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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