oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
