Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
