Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
