my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
