life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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