Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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