Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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