my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
