Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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