I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
