there's paper in my vomit.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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