Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
