Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
