It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
