Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
