Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
