I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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