Fuck appropriateness.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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