I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
