my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
