the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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