Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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