Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
