my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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