chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
