I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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