I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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