Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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