I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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