I am puke
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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