shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
