We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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