Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
