my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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