I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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