i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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