dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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