Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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