bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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