she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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