oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
