We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's shark week go big or go home
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
